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I do not need sex - How do these people live

An article about the various symptoms and causes of asexuality in men and women video review from Professor P. S. Gurevich on youtebem.com

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I do not need sex - How such people live - a review

ОThe lack of desire for intimacy or weak attraction is called Asexuality, but in a hypersexualized modern society, this is perceived as a deviation from the norm. Asexuals themselves often say that such formulations are not taken seriously.

1. Zhenya, 20 years, artist, Petersburg. Name changed at the request of the heroine

Женя, 20 лет, художница, Петербург Имя изменено по просьбе героини

I had several partners before I realized that I was asek. My cavaliers usually initiated sex, and it all looked like an idiotic game: the task of the guy was to force me to do it, and mine was, if possible, postpone the moment when I would have to do it. I had my first sexual experience almost three years after the start of a stable relationship, when there were no weighty arguments except “No, I don’t want it!”. After I was told that now there is nothing to lose and must be tolerated until I am imbued with the process. With subsequent partners, I physically experienced everything that other girls usually experience. But never penetrated. You know, it's like a chocolate cake. Many are crazy about him. You eat it and you understand why: it is sweet, there is chocolate, but you just don’t like it. You can never buy it yourself, and at a party you will try to avoid the fate of being fed by it. In short, do not like.

It is possible that some asexuals had a negative sexual experience. But personally, I know people who have not had any violence in their lives, and yet they are asexuals. There was a certain negative experience in my life, but I am absolutely sure that it did not affect my orientation in any way.

About relationships

I am asexual, but not aromatic. I had strong attachments to people. I am happy to realize that there is someone who is dear to me, that he is doing well. Before meeting with a loved one, I feel excitement and awe. Well, in general, everything is like ordinary people.

In fact, the only good thing I found in sex was the opportunity to make a pleasant partner. But it turned out that this is some kind of self-sacrifice. It's like beating yourself on the head, so that the child laughs.

I understand the need for sexuality in sex. For many of them, this is an additional language with which they can express their attitude towards others. But I do not read it. You try to be gentle and show all your love in bed, and you seem to be answered, and then you look into your eyes, and then it says in big letters: “Hey! Maybe, nafig all this and let's go pillow we will fight. I like to fight with you with pillows. Honestly!".

I haven't met anyone for a long time, and, in general, I feel good. Sometimes, of course, they visit thoughts that it would be great for someone to be. But the young asexuals are not very many, and the likelihood that I will like the asexual, and even mutually, is scanty. And from the relationship with sexes, I decided to give up.

About the reaction of others

I rarely discuss this topic. But if it comes to the word and the interlocutor causes me to trust, then I can tell him about my orientation. Most of my friends are aware of my asexuality. Most often, the interlocutors react to new information calmly, sometimes asking questions about how you can love someone, but do not want to. Some for some reason perceive my words as a terrible tragedy. As if without the desire to make love, life does not make sense. Parents don't know about my asexuality. I see no reason to tell them about it yet. But I think that if they find out, nothing terrible will happen.

I had no experience of speaking with a specialist on my orientation. I am satisfied with my asexuality, there is no desire to change something.

2. Victor, 26 years, shears dogs and cats, Surgut

Victor, 26 years, shears dogs and cats, Surgut

Understanding that I am asexual came in 20 years. I was a tired student, who was constantly pressed on all sides by relatives and friends, hinting that "Hey, Victor, this is not normal, that you don’t have a girlfriend and that you didn’t even kiss." I said that I do not have time to search for a pair. But who heard me? Almost nobody. I heard only an old friend with whom I am familiar with school. She is bisexual and often tells stories about how cool it is to have sex and be paired. I told her about my thoughts on this, and she suggested that I was asexual. I began to read about this phenomenon on the Internet and realized that I was really asexual. Over time, I found a group in VKontakte, where people confess to asexuality and communicate with each other. Lord, it became my favorite place. Since then, I have met enough communities and online forums where they talked about asexuality, but I never glowed in the forums, but read.

About the reaction of others

From one of my friends, I heard something like, "You're a moron, asexuals are those who are not all right." The dispute began. This very friend told a couple of dozen people in social networks about my “abnormality”, and then I realized that it was better to remain silent about my orientation. I told my mother in a couple of months. She replied that she wanted grandchildren. For the next six years, she hinted that it was time to start a family, but did not comment on the fact that I just did not want to have sex. Parents say that sooner or later I will have a permanent girl and children, although I am also childfree.

Once, at work, I let it slip that, they say, I was not drawn to that which was pulling everyone. Half of the team disliked me, some regretted it and believed that it was a psychological problem. Some people considered me homosexual, but just hiding it and kept away.

Why, since a person does not want to have sex, people think that this is somehow connected with the past, that no one gives him or that he is not normal? This is normal if a person does not want to fuck, I'm sorry.

About relationships

I am a panromantic - I can fall in love with people of both sexes. I had a girlfriend for a year (as my mother rejoiced!), But she did not suggest having sex. We loved to lie on the couch together, watch different films, TV shows, go for a walk, sit in the park. In my opinion, it was perfect. Alas, we have disagreements, and we dispersed.

3. Katerina, 25 years, business coach, Moscow

Катерина, 25 лет, бизнес-тренер, Москва

I began to identify myself as an asexual of years, probably in 20, when the first darling appeared, but there was no desire. About what is asexuality, read on the Internet. Parents about my orientation do not know why? I’m not spreading drugs in the doorway to report this to my mother.

I had a relationship and now have it. Some collapsed because of my orientation, some for other reasons. I see nothing wrong with having sex. I do it with a loved one, yes, I do not finish, but I also do not feel remorse or disgust from sleeping with him. I have neither desire nor pleasure. For me, this is some kind of acceptable naturalness. This is how to share dinner with a partner. Most of my partners, my asexuality did not repel. One is also very good for me. I do not plan to have children.

I didn’t talk with a specialist on asexuality. I have a completely positive perception of my orientation. I do not feel discomfort, experiences or something like that. When I was young, I learned from the Internet that the fact that I had never masturbated by 21 was strange. That's all, actually.

4. Dmitry, 32, works in the field of engineering, Dimitrovgrad

Dmitry, 32, works in the field of engineering, Dimitrovgrad

I began to position myself as an asex relatively recently, about two years ago. Before that, I had never heard of such a concept. Only when I stumbled across an AVEN forum (Asexuality Visibility and Education Network), I learned that there is a whole community of asexuals.

Back in 16 – 20 years, I noticed that there was something wrong with me in terms of sexual attraction. It was painfully weak compared to what my peers told me, but, as often happens, I tried to be like everyone else. And tried to build a normal relationship with girls. In the end, the girls sooner or later noticed that I didn’t pay much attention to them as a man, they said that all sexual initiative comes only from them.

For me, relationships are important, I would really like to meet an asexual girl and start a family with her. I would really like to have children, and it does not matter in what way they will be conceived, natural or artificial.

Communicating on the Internet, I began to notice that the majority of asexuals are people who did not take root in modern society or are sick with something. I think asexuality is not normal. It also seems to me that asexuality is inherent mainly in the inhabitants of megalopolises: Moscow, St. Petersburg and so on. In my opinion, asexuality is a deviation: not a disease, but a kind of negative impact of society.

5. Lisa, 30 years, the seller in the store, Gatchina Name changed at the request of the heroine

Лиза, 30 лет, продавец в магазине, Гатчина Имя изменено по просьбе героини

For a long time I tried to understand who I am, and most recently, stumbling upon a description of types of asexuality, I decided that the definition of “homosexual kupiossekualk” (kupiosexuality is defined as the desire to engage in sexual relations in the absence of sexual attraction) is closest. I decided to stop at that.

I easily accepted my gomoromanticism, but with asexuality there were problems. Fortunately, I found a psychological support group for LGBTIKAP +, led by a professional psychologist. She very competently built a discussion and showed us what we did not see for ourselves.

About the reaction of others

Relatives consider me a lesbian - and let them think: I'm afraid I will break their brains, trying to explain what a “gomoromantic romantic person” is. After all, what difference does it make? I hitchhike and, while chatting with the carriers, sometimes I do an asexual coming out, for many people ask the same thing, that's all: “Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? How not to? But what about sex? ”I tell the truth, someone understands, but many fall into shock, how can it be without sex? Do not you want? And did not want to? Or maybe just did not meet that one? Well, in general, the standard questions. But who cares, I talk about what is asexuality.

I have no negative experience with sex. I have not been abused or harassed either in childhood or in more adulthood; parents didn’t rub me that sex is bad, sinful or something like that. In addition, at the right age I got into the hands of a good book, from which I learned about sex everything that I was interested in.

About relationships

Cutiosexuality is perhaps the most sex-positive form of asexuality. I like the emotional closeness that arises in the process, I like to feel welcome, to see that my girlfriend is fine with me. Therefore, despite the absence of the need for sex and the fact that I was not physiologically healthy, I did not refuse my partners. We parted for other reasons, with sex is not related.

I don't have sex with sex, I don't consider it bad either. Simply, there are more pleasant things, including physiologically, - a warm bath with a delicious-smelling foam, say, or massage, or eat salted fish and wash down with sweet tea.

Marriage, I definitely do not plan - it will be so, not so not. But I want children, but not now, I am not yet ready materially and psychologically. I think not before 35 for sure. When I get together, I will first pass a comprehensive medical examination and, if the doctors say that the risks for me and the child are small, I will go to IVF. If I do not recommend giving birth, I will go to the orphanage. However, the farther, the more I tend to the option of adoption, even if health allows you to give birth itself.

6. Ivan, 27 years, copywriter, Moscow

Ivan, 27 years, copywriter, Moscow

Like many in our country, at first I learned about the existence of the term “anti-sexuality”, which was popularized and promoted by an interesting person, Yuri Nesterenko. I was probably 10 — 12, like all the children of the nineties, who had never watched the MTV channel and the youth American comedies that had never been marked by age, I was well aware of what sex is, even homosexuality, and I felt intuitively, that somehow this, unlike many of the same age, does not touch me, to put it mildly. I didn’t take even a brochure on child sexual education (translated and very innocent), which the teacher of biology once distributed to the whole class, demonstratively twisting.

I learned about asexuality and how it differs from anti-sexuality much later - a year in 2005 – 2006, when AVEN, the famous Asexual FAQ, was translated into Russian. Although this document looks obsolete by now, in my 15 – 16 it has finally completed the formation of my identity.

A school friend, who was the first person to whom I made such a kind of coming out, was very surprised when I told him that I was absolutely not interested in sex. I am supposed to be interested in human relationships, but not sex.

- Well, you want to lose your virginity once?

- Not. What for?

- Well ... I wonder the same. Not?

- Нет.

- Yes, you're a real romantic.

My cheeks burned. After that, I started proudly certifying myself on the Internet also as a “real romantic” as opposed to “you, your slaves”. In general, I was lucky. I experienced the most vulnerable period of a completely inaccessible mask and learned to fight back.

About relationships

One attempt to maintain a relationship was and seems to continue (status: everything is difficult). As one friend said: “Do you think asexuals do not marry and do not live a family life? Enter, live. Then everyone suffers. ”

I do not plan children and never planned. But, again, in life there are different things. No, I do not see any fundamental differences between an asexual family with children and a normal one. What is the difference for a child that his parents sleep in different beds? Here, even the deputy Milon is unlikely to find something to complain about.

7. About Russian asexuals

О российских асексуалах

In Russia, the situation with communities of asexuals is very sad. Let's start with the fact that Yuri Nesterenko, for all that kind of movement, has long represented such a person, undoubtedly a talented person, of many virtues, but in all things too radical for our people. Then AVEN appeared in Russia - and they, it seems, still have a forum alive (in fact, no. - Approx. Ed.). Well, nice people, dear forum, how can they communicate with each other, but this is some kind of party for their own. The latest trend is the tumbling effect of asexual movement along with feminism, queer activism, and so on. And this is complete insanity, subordinated to the leftist agenda, where asexuals lag in the wake of the LGBTIK + movement in the position of poor relatives.

The percentage of asexuals is high among freaks and geeks (or vice versa), so they may have an anime character on an avatar, and Gravity Falls, and Adventure Time, but it is unlikely that there will be a conditional “Vasyan Sidorov” with a photo near his fashionable car in the yard. Which, however, does not negate the fact that Gopnik Vasya from Biryulyovo may be an asexual - and his emancipation must be fought separately. He is harder than all of us here together.

9. Causes and symptoms of asexuality
Professor P. S. Gurevich tells about the various causes and symptoms of asexuality in men and women.


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